MIRACLE SPRAY   A man was driving along the highway and saw a rabbit hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the rabbit, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of the car and was hit. The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road, and got out to see what had become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit was dead. The driver felt so awful that he began to cry. A woman driving down the highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car, and asked the man what was wrong. "I feel terrible," he explained. "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it." The woman told the man not to worry. She knew what to do. She went to her car trunk and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead rabbit, and sprayed the contents of the can onto the rabbit. Miraculously, the rabbit came to life, jumped up, waved its paw at the two people and hopped down the road.   Ten feet away the rabbit stopped, turned around, waved at the two people again, hopped down the road another 10 feet, turned, waved, and hopped another feet, turned and waved and repeated this again and again until it was out of sight. The man was astonished. He couldn't figure out what substance could be in the woman's spray can! He ran over to the woman and demanded, "What was in your spray can? What did you spray onto that rabbit?" The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label. It said: (Are you ready for this?)   "Hair Spray - Restores Life to Dead Hair. Adds Permanent Wave.

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I really like this one, and am PROUD to be from the Pac. NW! :-) B

You know you're a Pacific Northwesterner if...

1. You know the state flower (Mildew)
>
>2. You feel guilty throwing aluminum cans or paper in the trash.
>
>3. Use the statement "sun break" and know what it means.
>
>4. You know more than 10 ways to order coffee.
>
>5. You know more people who own boats than air conditioners.
>
>6. You feel overdressed wearing a suit to a nice restaurant.
>
>7. You stand on a deserted corner in the rain waiting for the "Walk"
>signal.
>
8. You consider that if it has no snow or has not recently erupted, it is
>not a real mountain.
>
>9. You can taste the difference between Starbucks, Seattle's Best, and
>Veneto's.
>
>10. You know the difference between Chinook, Coho, and Sockeye salmon.
>
>11. You know how to pronounce Yakima, Puyallup, Issaquah, Oregon, and
>Willamette.
>
>12. You consider swimming an indoor sport.
>
>13. You can tell the difference between Japanese, Chinese and Thai food.
>
>14. In winter, you go to work in the dark and come home in the dark while
>only working eight-hour days. (B--boy, I remember that!!)
>
>15. You never go camping without waterproof matches and a poncho.
>
>16. You are not fazed by "Today's forecast: showers followed by rain,"
>and "Tomorrow's forecast: rain followed by showers."
>
>17. You cannot wait for a day with "showers and sun breaks".
>
>18. You have no concept of humidity without precipitation.
>
>19. You know that Boring is a town in Oregon and not just a state of
>mind.
>
>20. You can point to at least two volcanoes, even if you cannot see
>through the cloud cover.
>
>21. You notice "the mountain is out" when it is a pretty day and you can
>actually see it.
>
>22. You put on your shorts when the temperature gets above 50, but still
>wear your hiking boots and parka.
>
>23. You switch to your sandals when it gets about 60, but keep the socks on.
>
>24. You have actually used your mountain bike on a mountain.
>
>25. You think people who use umbrellas are either wimps or tourists.
>
>26. You knew immediately that the view out of Frasier's window was fake.
>
>27. You buy new sunglasses every year, because you can't find the old
>ones after such a long time.
>
>28. You measure distance in hours.
>
>29. You often switch from "heat" to "a/c" in the same day.
>
>30. You use a down comforter in the summer.
>
>31. You carry jumper cables in your car and your wife knows how to use
>them.
>
>32. You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit under a raincoat.
(B -- or OVER a sweatshirt)

33. You know all the important seasons: Almost Winter (rain);Winter (rain);Still raining (Spring); Road Construction (Summer); Deer and Elk season (Fall).

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I have been guilty of looking at others my own age and thinking... surely I cannot look that old......... I'm sure you've
done the same..

While waiting for my first appointment in the reception room of a new dentist, I noticed his certificate, which bore his full name. Suddenly, I remembered that a tall, handsome boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 40 years ago. Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was too old to have been my classmate. After he had examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended the local high
school.

"Yes," he replied.

"When did you graduate?" I asked.

He answered, "In 1957."

"Why, you were in my class!" I exclaimed.

He looked at me closely and then asked, "What did you teach?"




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In the 16th and 17th centuries, everything had to be transported by ship.
It was also before commercial fertilizer's invention, so large shipments of
manure were common. It was shipped dry, because in dry form it weighed a
lot less than when wet, but once water (at sea) hit it, it not only became
heavier, but the process of fermentation began again, of which a by-product
is methane gas.

As the stuff was stored below decks in bundles you can see what could
(and did) happen. Methane began to build up below decks and the first time
someone came below at night with a lantern, BOOOOM!

Several ships were destroyed in this manner before it was determined just
what was happening. After that, the bundles of manure were always stamped
with the term "Ship High In Transit" (SHIT) on them which meant for the
sailors to stow it high enough off the lower decks so that any water that
came into the hold would not touch this volatile cargo and start the
production of methane.

Thus evolved the term "S.H.I.T," which has come down through the
centuries and is in use to this very day.

My guess is ... you probably did not know the true history of this word.

Neither did I... I always thought it was a golf term.



-------------------------------------------------

Yes, these are all true. They are finally out again. You all know about the Darwin Awards. It's an annual honor given to the person who did the gene pool the biggest service by killing themselves in the most extraordinarily stupid way.

Last year's winner was the fellow who was killed by a Coke machine which toppled over on top of him as he was attempting to tip a free soda out of it.

And the nominees this year are:

9. A young Canadian man, searching for a way of getting drunk cheaply, because he had no money with which to buy alcohol, mixed gasoline with milk. Not surprisingly, this concoction made him ill, and he vomited into the fireplace in his house. This resulting explosion and fire burned his house down, killing
both him and his sister.

8. A 34-year-old white male found dead in the basement of his home died of suffocation, according to police. He was approximately 6' 2" tall and weighed 225 pounds. He was wearing a pleated skirt, white bra, black and white saddle
shoes, and a woman's wig. It appeared that he was trying to create a schoolgirl's uniform look. He was also wearing a military gas mask that had the filter canister removed and a rubber hose attached in its place. The other end of the hose was connected to one end of a hollow tube approx. 12" long and 3" in diameter. The tube's other end was inserted into his rectum for reasons unknown, and was the cause of his suffocation. Police found the task of explaining the
circumstances of his death to his family very awkward.

7. Three Brazilian men were flying in a light aircraft at low altitude when another plane approached. It appears that they decided to moon the occupants of the other plane, but lost control of their own aircraft and crashed. They were all found dead in the wreckage with their pants around their ankles.

6. A police officer in Ohio responded to a 911 call. She had no details before arriving, except that someone had reported that his father was not breathing. Upon arrival, the officer found the man face down on the couch naked. When she rolled him over to check for a pulse and to start CPR, she noticed burn
marks around his genitals. After the ambulance arrived and removed the man - who was declared dead on arrival at the hospital-the police made a closer inspection of the couch, and noticed that the man had made a hole between the cushions. Upon flipping the couch over, they discovered what had caused his death. Apparently, the man had a habit of putting his penis between the cushions, down into the hole and between two electrical sanders (with the sandpaper removed, for obvious reasons). According to the story, after his orgasm the
discharge shorted out one of the sanders, electrocuting him.

5. A 27-year-old French woman lost control of her car on a highway near Marseilles and crashed into a tree, seriously injuring her passenger and killing herself. As a commonplace road accident, this would not have qualified for a Darwin nomination, were it not for the fact that the driver's attention had been distracted by her Tamagotchi key ring, which had started urgently beeping for food as she drove along. In an attempt to press the correct buttons to save the Tamagotchi's life, the woman lost her own.

4. A 22-year-old, Glade Drive, Reston, VA, man was found dead after he tried to use octopus straps to bungee jump off a 70-foot railroad trestle. Fairfax County police said Eric Barcia, a fast-food worker, taped a bunch of these straps together, wrapped one end around one foot, anchored the other end to the
trestle at Lake Accotink Park, jumped and hit the pavement. Warren Carmichael, a police spokesman, said investigators think Barcia was alone because his car was found nearby. "The length of the cord that he had assembled was greater
than the distance between the trestle and the ground" Carmichael said. Police say the apparent cause of death was
"Major trauma."

3. A man in Alabama died from rattlesnake bites. It seems that he and a friend were playing a game of catch, using the rattlesnake as a ball. The friend, no doubt a future Darwin Awards candidate, was hospitalized.

2. Employees in a medium-sized warehouse in west Texas noticed the smell of a gas leak. Sensibly, management evacuated the building extinguishing all potential sources of ignition; lights, power, etc. After the building had been
evacuated, two technicians from the gas company were dispatched. Upon entering the building, they found they had difficulty navigating in the dark. To their frustration, none of the lights worked. Witnesses later described the sight of one of the technicians reaching into his pocket and retrieving an object that resembled a cigarette lighter. Upon operation of the lighter
like object, the gas in the warehouse exploded, sending pieces of it up to three miles away. Nothing was found of the technicians, but the lighter was virtually untouched by the explosion. The technician suspected of causing the
blast had never been thought of as 'bright' by his peers.

AND THE WINNER..... (drum roll......)

1. Based on a bet by the other members of his threesome, Everitt Sanchez tried to wash his own "balls" in a ball washer at the local golf course. Proving once again that beer and testosterone are a bad mix, Sanchez managed to straddle the ball washer and dangle his scrotum in the machine. Much to his dismay, one of his buddies upped the ante by spinning the crank on the machine with Sanchez's scrotum in place, thus wedging them solidly in the mechanism. Sanchez, who immediately passed his threshold of pain, collapsed and tumbled from his perch. Unfortunately for Sanchez, the height of the ball washer was more than a foot higher off the ground than his testicles are in a normal stance, and the scrotum was the weakest link. Sanchez's scrotum was ripped open during
the fall, and one testicle was plucked from him forever and remained in the ball washer, while the other testicle was compressed and flattened as it was pulled between the
housing of the washer, and the rotating machinery inside. To add insult to injury, Sanchez broke a new .00 driver that he had just purchased from the pro shop, and was using to balance himself. Sanchez was rushed to the hospital
for surgery, and the remaining threesome were asked to leave the course.


NB: This last one wouldn't normally count, because the idiot didn't die. But, because he cannot reproduce as a result of his qualifying act of stupidity, we have allowed it.